Gift of God from the heavens above;
The Earth beneath her and the skies above her revel in her creation,
Gasp in admiration,
With a tinge of exasperation!
Every man’s woe, nobody’s delight, she is lovely yet exasperating at times (make that all the time)! And before you start banging your head on the nearest wall, I am talking about women’s lingua franca.
I am sure you all love your mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, in fact every female in the universe until she starts TALKING. Her tongue is a trap; draws you in, throttles you and scatters the sanity of your life. And trust me it’s not just you (men), it’s the same for us (women) as well. ‘Information is power’ and that information helps us decode the message sent across by our tribe mates. So today is a crucial class for all you poor-haggard essentially-male-most-conveniently-clueless-creatures. This is the need of the hour; decode the women’s lingua franca and gain the love and respect which you deserve.
P.S. I know 12 is an unusual number for a list. But did you know that “moody” is number 12’s vice. And what well can a term describe a woman well than “moody”.
I know! I know! It beats the wits out of you to hear her say that. But gentlemen, this is women’s lingua franca; you are supposed to understand it instead of analyzing it. She is mad and I am guessing you are the reason she is mad. Her main hormones – Hydrocortisone, Epinephrine, and Oxytocin (you don’t even have them in your body) are wrecking havoc and she is just about possessed.
Tip: Do not retreat back once you hear “whatever”. The repercussions are unimaginable.
11. Do you know what day is today?
It is not rocket science. But most geniuses have hard time decoding these simple words. She is practically screaming in your face, “TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY”
P.S. I pity you if you are one of those monthly anniversary celebrators.
Decode this as IT IS NOT FINE. Know that, abide by that and do not go your way thinking all is well because all is ABSOLUTELY-NOT-SO-WELL. This is not even the most difficult word of the women’s lingua franca; the best is yet to come!
Tip: Don’t ‘fine’ a woman, she can use it, but she will not take it.
9. Five minutes
I don’t even have to explain this one. I am sure you’ve been there, done that, yet brushing up your memory won’t hurt, right? In women’s lingua franca five minutes is equivalent to an hour or even more, but never less (and I am speaking in general).
Tip: She’ll make you wait but don’t try to give a taste of her own medication to her; you’ll have hell to pay.
When a woman says, “nothing” it means, “something”. And that “something” is not a minuscule but a humongous problem. Keep on your toes, hold your breath and be prepared with your responses.
7. Go Ahead
There are two types:
a) Raised eyebrows
Remember “truth & dare” we played as a child? That’s it! It’s a dare. She is challenging you. And you being you, the mighty-God’s-gift-to-womankind-type would rise up to the challenge. NO. NO. NO. A big-fat-NO. Tell her you cannot rise up to it.
b) Normal eyebrows
Usually means “I give up”. She’s worn out, frustrated and probably doesn’t want to talk about it right now. There’s always a tomorrow, a new day and a good night’s sleep can work wonders.
Tip: Look at her face while you’re talking to her instead of poking your nose into a newspaper or squinting at the laptop screen. You’ll notice the position of her eyebrows!
Another one of those “two-types-club”
a) Loud sigh
Yes a sigh is not a word, yet it’s word-like; speaks volumes. A loud sigh in women’s lingua franca usually means you are an idiot and she is giving up on you or planning to do so. It may also means, “Why am I even wasting my time!”
b) Soft Sigh
Don’t sweat! This is good news knocking at your door. She is content. Voila! Don’t move, chances are you’ll ruin her mood.
Tip: To decipher women’s lingua franca keep your ears open. If your ears are not well tuned then you’ll soon run out of luck!
Oh followed by a statement spells trouble. Try running away instead of walking away. “Oh” means disappointment, dissatisfaction; demons locked inside. It means you took an integral decision without considering her opinion. This means she should have been informed. This means she expected otherwise. “Oh” is a mine of expressions.
Tip: To get out of the “oh” trap face the situation head-on. Confront, convince and most importantly do not cower.
4. That’s Okay
Bwahahahahahaha…She’s having the laugh of her life, spectacularly happy that you are paying for your sins. That’s okay is probably the most lethal words in women’s lingua franca. She probably is enjoying you grovelling at her feet, squirming in your seat and dancing while standing, trying to find a way out of the spotlight.
Tip: You are like a puppet in the face of, “that’s okay”. Hold still and wait for the show to come to an end.
3. Please Do
This is your way out of “that’s okay”. Here’s your chance, grab it with both the hands and try making the most out of it. She is giving you a way out by legitimately explaining your deeds. She’s hearing you out, taking down some mental notes and analyzing the situation (this sounds bad but is not that bad). If you pass this test, her love for you will know no bounds.
Tip: Be honest. Women abhor spiders as well as spider webs (Now you know why it took almost three parts for Mr. Spiderman to convince Kirsten Dunst)
She said thanks? Woh! That’s an extraordinary feat in itself. But wait! How did she say it? Graciously? Sarcastically? Offhandedly ? You didn’t notice? Well, that’s another problem for another day. But a “thanks” usually means a THANKS. I know you are shell-shocked, but you’ll survive.
Tip: Don’t break into cheesy or awkward lines once she utters “thanks”. A welcome would do. Don’t nod your head; make use of that God-given tongue.
1. Thanks a lot
“Thanks” was a positive sign so “thanks a lot” is a sign of you hitting a lottery. Right? WRONG! This means she is ticked off at you. You may think- happens all the time, why should I even care? Well, gentlemen this is not happens-all-the-time scenario. This is I-will-walk-out-of-the-door, I-am-ready-to-cry-you-a-river kinda scenario. She is hurt, she has gone ballistic, she needs cooling down!
Tip: This is not the time to give her some space. This is the time to invade her space and fight the battle of your life which has to be won at any cost.
So here you go; the class has come to an end, you probably knew most of them or knew some but didn’t know how to interpret it. But now that you know it all, don’t go your merry way as here’s the spoiler- Every female is one of a kind and so is her lingua franca. The only thing that may help is paying her some due attention and being honest with her. She’s not asking much! Is she?